#CurlyHairProblems Part 2: Ashamed For Being Ashamed of My Curls

In continuation of my first Hashtag Curly Hair Problems piece posted exactly a year ago from today, I wrote about straightening my hair for interviews to be more hire-able. Later I would come to realize that in those interviews the organization wasn't getting to see me completely. Like my hair, I am a little crazy and my thoughts are hard to control, but my personality is fun and most importantly, beautiful still.

During this Black Lives Matter Movement, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my own interactions with friends, colleagues, business partners and other acquaintances to sadly admit that I have hid my Blackness a lot. I hid my Blackness, like straightening my hair for interviews, to conform to the "default culture" which is White.

Why is my curly hair not professional?

For as long as I could remember, and even more now, when I would straighten my hair I would hear the comment

It's more professional looking.

And my curly hair isn't? Back then I use to find it as a compliment. It was reassuring that I was successfully hiding my Blackness. I had this instilled belief that if I looked too Black or too Mexican for certain businesses, I would be turned away. It's no secret that White people are more likely to get hired over People of Color, especially Black people. Knowing that, I straightened my hair to become more "hire-able" and later in the future did it to appear more trustworthy.

"How is having straight hair more trustworthy?" you may ask. Studies show that not only White people, but even People of Color are more likely to trust someone who is White than someone who is Black. I couldn't tell you why exactly. Probably because this has just been something learned over hundreds of years.

Now working in sales and customer service I need my clients to be comfortable with me. I need them to trust me the moment they see me, before they her to know me. To gain instant trust, for work events and special meetings, I would always straighten my hair to appear less Black.

One day, by one of my closest friends I was asked

Do you straighten your hair for the White people?

Damn! How did he know?!

At that moment, I never felt more ashamed for being ashamed of my naturally curly hair. I admitted to him that I did straighten my hair for our clients, which happen to be primarily White. I wanted to fit in, to look just like them, and not so Colored. I do blame myself for allowing myself to hide my natural hair, but I am also upset with friends of mine who encouraged me to hide my natural look too.

What The Bride Ask, The Bride Gets

A few years ago I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. I remember the day we were dress shopping the bride leaned over to me after we just took a group photo and asked me "Are you planning on straightening your hair for the wedding?"

"I was planning on it." I answered.

"Good! I was going to ask if you could." she replied.

At the time I didn't think anything of it. Now with all this self-reflecting on my Blackness, I realized

Oh shit! That was kinda messed up!

I shouldn't have been okay with being asked to change my hair. I am able to style my hair just like a woman with straight hair would. Half up, Half down - I can do with curly hair. Part down the middle - I can do with curly hair. In a side pony tail - I can do with curly hair. Any style you could possible think of, I could do with curly hair!

Yes, I'm would've stuck out with my curly hair, but I was going to stick out anyways. My skin was 5 shaded darker than the other bridesmaid who had a spray tan!

To those thinking "well the bride just wanted her bridesmaids to look the same." Not this bride! She was very considerate to have us each in different dresses that were flattering to our different body types. So why would my hair matter?

I can't prove that this was a conscious ask or not by the Bride, but I can't help but be mad at myself for allowing someone to request I change my natural appearance.

A Message To The Young Girl Who Looks Like Me

Back in February, I had the pleasure of being on a a panel with my fellow female Grizzlies' staff speaking to Fresno High's Women's Alliance. After the discussion we separated ourselves for one-on-one questions with the students. As we broke up, I had this one girl who ran up to me and said,

"I saw you and thought, hey she looks like me! That's so cool to know someone like me could work in sports. I just wanted to let you know."

I was so taken back, and not in a bad way. It's not like I was clueless the fact I have been the only curly haired, Mexican/ Black women on every staff I have ever been on. I always knew I looked different, but didn't think how important the diversity I brought was, until this little girl approached me.

After that panel I went back to my desk and texted a friend what had just happen. As I was text the words "she looks like me" I started to choke up and eyes began to water (like they are now as I write this). To this young woman, I was rare and in all reality I am rare to the sports industry. Not only is it hard to break into this industry as a woman, but as a woman of color.

Regardless of how Black and Mexican I look, I made it in sports. Through hard work and my network, I pushed my way to a great position with a great team, regardless of the adversity I had to face because of my gender or the color of my skin and curliness of my hair. I know I will continue to face that same adversity for years to come.

I am ashamed for being so ashamed of what makes me different, but that ends now. I will wear my hair as I please. Curly or occasionally straight, I will style myself only for myself.

Finally, to that young woman who looks like me, thank you for helping me appreciate my Black and Mexican features. I hope when you grow up, there are more women who look like us in all professional industries, not just sports.