Why Am I Still Not Married!?

"I hope you give me great grand kids before I die, Jazzmine."

Almost a common line I hear from my 66-year-old grandmother when I visit her. My answer usually follows with, "I'm not financially ready" or "I'm not even married Grandma and you're not that old!".

But after having more honest conversations with men about my current life and my expectations for myself , I think I have finally figured out why I am not married and not on track to have children soon, and why friends my age are in the same boat.

I am not picky!

And neither are you. In my old 27 years of age, I have become more complex as a person with each year and each person that has stepped into my life. Over years I have developed anxiety, trust issues, became a more defensive, and my patients with someone who doesn't like the fact that I have guy friends, I'm a workaholic, and my schedule is ever changing has worn thin. But I'm also a person who can have a conversation instead of an argument, will be your biggest cheerleader and emotional support, and do cute shit for you every now and then. I'm the whole package for good and for bad, which is what I look for in a future husband as well.

I'm not picky, I just have expectations

is what I like to say. I believe that my fellow single friends can agree. Over years there are more boxes to check off because not only are we looking for someone to love, but we are looking for someone to be our very own personal therapist, comedian, chef, life coach, and maybe lifetime baby sitting partner.

However, with us being more particular and waiting to find the right person I believe we decrease our chances of divorce as we choose to not settle for anything less than our expectation.

We are a puzzle piece... that belongs to an expert level puzzle... that looks like a field of flowers

Yea, we are that complex.

Recently I had that "what did I do wrong?" conversation with a friend. In his defense, nothing the woman just wasn't a match. My friend is the type of guy who's not afraid to be affectionate and passionate. I know for myself, that type of person makes me feel suffocated, but I'm also that person who refuses to be the first to say "I love you" (shoot, I've even waited months to say it after a past boyfriend said it first). Now that's just me and I'm not him, but I don't believe he needs to change that about himself to find a soulmate. Then you would just be that person forcing a puzzle piece to fit with another that obviously won't connect.

I am a strong believer that our personalities are meant to fit someone else. Our puzzle piece shape is not only molded by our interest, but shaped by our characteristic, pet peeves, life experiences of wins and loses, trauma, and future dreams and goals. It's not just about being a dog or cat person. Now your looking at a puzzles piece that has 15 sides to it, if that's even possible. Not only that, but your past relationships have shaped you too.

My exes are just preparing me for my wife (or husband)

I've always been a strong believer that the time you share in a relationship, good or bad, happens for a reason. One day a good friend of mine said "I've realized that all my past relationships are just preparing me for my wife". Those words could not hold more truth to them.

Past relationships help us find mistakes in ourselves when it comes to a partnership, but also shows what we can provide another human with. We learn what more of ourselves we need to give another person, or maybe what we need to take back for ourselves. For me, I feel like after each relationship I've withdrawn myself because I felt like I gave too much. Can you call me selfish? Maybe, but I'm sure the right person will allow me to give all of me.

My vision of my future husband has evolved too

Just how I've changed, so have my wants and needs in a partner have. I remember a time I wanted someone who was making probably just as much as me, working about the same hours, and could split the house and child duties. Really someone who was as equal as equal can get. But my dreams and goals I've came to realize require more.

Atleast now, I imagine myself working in sports years from now with my non-profit up and running and I'd probably belong to a couple boards (oh and be President at some point). I imagine all that while being a wife and mother which also means coaching my kids t-ball team and taking them to piano lessons. Impossible? Not when you have the right partner in crime.

Never would I have been okay with an at-home husband, but it doesn't sound so bad now. Plus at-home careers have really changed the game. Now that might not happen, but I know in order to achieve all that, I need someone with the motivation to match my hustle then push me go further in my career and my family.

All in all

Don't think it's bad to be too clingy or too distant. Don't think it's bad to be someone who cruises at 60 mph or someone who's going between lanes at 100mph. You'll find that puzzle piece that fits your shape just right sooner or later.