Triggered & Overcorrected: Post-Relationship Scars

You would assume 2 years would be more than enough time to get over a relationship. 2 years is enough time, but the scars from the burns of being in a toxic relationship are always there to remind me "Don't let it happen again".

I've built up this wall with rules and signs telling me when to get out before it's too late. My wall is now at a height and thickness keeping all possible threats out, but also leaving the good ones to not be let in.

You can say, I've overcorrected.

Overcorrecting your love life is to do completely the opposite of that previous relationship to prevent the same results. It's meant to be for the better, but in my case it's left me to preventing any relationship at all.

I know it's not fair to any future participants of my love life. I know that they are not my aggressive and possessive ex. It's not their fault when I get defensive being told "I would like to know if you make plans so I know not to bother you" because I hear "I want to know where you are because I don't trust you".

Triggered.

For a second I don't hear my current romance talking to me. I hear my ex and start anticipating what he would've said leaving me to break down and go silent, because silence is safe.

"Trust" Triggers Me

Whether trust is there or not, I'm triggered. I fear trusting someone to come into my existing life and accept it for what it is. To trust me that there's a reason to my madness. To trust me that my intentions are good.

Mostly I struggle trusting someone to handle me. So I move slow as a snail into a relationship. Dipping my toe into every next step first before taking that step. If I feel that next step is too deep for comfort, I wait until I build the courage to just go for it hoping to be caught if I slip.

I know I'll get to a point in life when "trust" doesn't trigger me, but until then I'll build up that courage to take the first step with someone again.